Understanding Me, Myself and I

So having felt good, like I’m getting to grips with things today life gives me a reality check. It started with tidying the shed – a job I started yesterday and was quite happy to stop after an hour. Could I do that today? Nope! Went to carry on today, started fine and then…. It became a compulsion…. I literally couldn’t stop. I didn’t stop for lunch, I didn’t stop when someone offered to carry on so I could have lunch, I didn’t stop even when I knew I should be somewhere else, doing something else. The compulsion is sooo strong when it comes, the drive I feel, the urgency to complete the task…. And I have no idea why I didn’t have that compulsion at all yesterday, but today I was consumed by it 🙁 and then that opens the door to a whole load of negativity. I got to my car and cried, huge sobs, unexpected and unwelcome. I am tired (the compulsive drive is draining) I felt pathetic and weak that I didn’t control the compulsion. I feel massive guilt that I didn’t do the other thing (which effected other people) which means I also feel guilty for letting them down (I apologise multiple times) and then the anger and frustration comes…. Why am I so stupid! 🤬 why did I make such poor choices? And then the knock on effect – I fall asleep at the kitchen table, I don’t eat healthy, I don’t track my calories. I am unmotivated and sad. Husband notices and helps lift me out of my gloom for a bit (bless him) and then I do some jigsaw and watch some telly and come to bed later than I should – so bedtime routine off keel. On and off all evening I have swung between wanting to crying and wanting to hurl something in fury, wanting to hear the satisfying 💥 SMASH 💥 and at moments I want to scream until my throat burns. With immense effort I make myself focus on a training video, the jigsaw, the telly – anything to distract from this volcano that’s erupted in my mind. That effort is exhausting too. As I write this my eyes are so tired they sting and as much as I want to sleep I know I’ll game for a bit – I can’t lie in a silent dark room whilst my thoughts are racing like this… I’ll never sleep. I only hope that this a short blip (episode) and in the morning I will have reset to a my positive place.